If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours