If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
ME: don鈥檛 involve me in your bullshit
SON: it鈥檚 called homework
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone鈥檚 mouth.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They鈥檙e his watch dogs.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
馃槈馃槤
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 8yr old鈥檚 home from school and that means I鈥檒l be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she鈥檚 trying to record videos.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i鈥檒l take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot