If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
You Might Also Like
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Many hands make light work
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions