If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…