If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit