@bourgeoisalien: If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
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@panmidwest: [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b
@abbycohenwl: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect” KID: I haven’t spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that’s your word KID: T-H-A-T-’-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-
@JohnLyonTweets: I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@Brampersandon_: Hey check out this new candle I got. -Sweet. What flavor is it? I think you mean 'what scent is it?' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What?