If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face