If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Smooooooth
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else