@wolfpupy: if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
@WilliamAder: We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.
@KeetPotato: doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"