if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Cheer up.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping