If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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But it’s not the “worst way” either…
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
just gave your address to some spiders
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.