@JediGigi: If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I'm next.
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@Reverend_Scott: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.