YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
You Might Also Like
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
me as a parent
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Poetry is my passion
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Salad is the decaf of food.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?