Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The news
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.