if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
did it work
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.