If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas