karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
🤣🤣🤣
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.