If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Can’t. About to go please some beans
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you