If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Happy weekend !
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
are they though??
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?