If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
plant them where lol
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”