If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*