If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now