If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
White parent Vs Arab parents
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
This could be us… but you playing
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”