If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.