If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
You Might Also Like
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
This checks out
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.