If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me