If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
You Might Also Like
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.