If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The Struggle
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.