If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids