we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
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Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”