If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Beware of the “party goblin”…
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.