If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy