If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.