Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.