*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Bless you
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.