King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
You Might Also Like
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.