“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
spot the difference
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My boss called in sick of me
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
m’lady
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.