Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
first you must answer his riddles
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
🙋♀️
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.