If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Life is a suicide mission.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”