If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Alexa: *deep breath*
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
do what now??
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK