If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.