If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
the rocks need my help
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.