“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Holy moly
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”