@Elizasoul80: If I were Hillary, I'd ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
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@Mr_Kapowski: I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
@LindaInDisguise: Coworker: What was your college major? Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
@HellRaisingHell: Finally found a job ad that didn't mention 'attention to detail' or 'team player'. Finally!
@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies