The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.