if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.