Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.