If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”