*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Why are bridges so flammable.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
how to have an accident 101
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.