@johngaysee: If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
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@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@iQuoteComedy: Girl: "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Guy: "Both, now get in the van."
@buttnight: migraine |my-grain| noun 1 a recurrent severe headache 2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field