Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.