If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
had to make it
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Banana is the quietest snack
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.