The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
synchronized noseblowing
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test