@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
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@EndhooS: Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
@magicChopstick: Spider Man, Spider Man Chillin' in his camper van Kickin' back, drinkin' booze head to toe in sweet tattoos Hang on That is not Spider Man
@Elephart: When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.