me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
What if the weather talks about us?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.