@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
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@iwearaonesie: [playing hangman] wife: Pick a letter son: Does it have to be from the alphabet? me *gets up* wife *sound of his college fund jar breaking*
@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
@Kodotropo: *dad walks in on me doing homework* "HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK" Dad you're still in third grade "Probably because I'm not a nerd like you"