@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
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@DaddyJew: Her: is the game almost over? Me: this is just the first half Her: uggghh how many more halves are there? Me: you're pretty
@heymonroe: Fun Prank: 1.) Buy 35 coats 2.) Goto the movie theatre 3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row 4.) Relax
@robdelaney: Reminder: Please just hit the "RT" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art.
@sween: I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.