My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Same pineapple, same
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Seems legit
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
What the hell is going on?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”